i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
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