Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
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