You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
you inspire me to be a worse person
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize