my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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