i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
