Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize
