then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
My vagina just recognized that song.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize