So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
