I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
