Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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