apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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