When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
My feet surprised me
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
