You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
i think i just lost a toe
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