WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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