Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
