420 ftw
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
apparently the secret to your success is patron
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize