I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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