I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
