some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
