Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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