i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
