I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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