I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
