Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize