So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
