Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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