There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
did i just pee glitter
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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