the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
