he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize