i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
