My room smells like vodka and shame
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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