yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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