i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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