In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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