we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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