um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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