omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
