He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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