Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
