On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
