i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
