I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
