He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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