Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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