im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
