I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
