proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
When did angry sex become our thing?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
