i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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