Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
