Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
