you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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