Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
