thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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