nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
