I wish they made helmets for livers.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
