Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
