My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
