some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
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