I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
